Looking Back …

She’s 2…. Just like that, she’s 2!

Sometimes I almost need to remind myself that it was all real if I am truly honest. These past 2 years have been both the longest and shortest of my life. When I look back on all that has happened, it’s almost like re-watching a movie, with actors in situations that are fictitious. I feel so disconnected from it at times, but then I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I know that it’s my life, her life and we are all forever changed as a result.

Giving birth to 24-weeker twins is not something anyone can prepare you for. Even now, I don’t really understand how we survived the ordeal. Our first born, Charlotte, only lived a very short time in our arms. Her sister, Madeleine, came out fighting and we’d made a promise to her, that we would fight with her for as long as she did. And fight she did.

Her NICU stay, like many of you reading this blog understand I’m sure, was not straight forward and we are incredibly lucky that she is still here today. Serious infections nearly took her life a few times. I vividly remember one night when she was very, very sick…

I rested my forehead on her incubator whispering to her that if she “needed to go and be with Charlotte that was ok with Mummy and Daddy”. A memory I will never be able to erase. There is no other fear like it. Saying goodbye to your babies or not knowing if they will survive is something that fundamentally changes your entire perspective on life. The trivial things I used to worry and stress over, make me laugh now. I have lost one daughter and almost lost another. There is nothing in life that will be more important than that.

And then Madeleine turned that magical “corner” everyone talks about in the NICU and I knew she was going to make it. After 115 (long, long) days we took our miracle baby home. But, as we all know, bringing a premature baby home is not the end of the ordeal, it’s just the start of another chapter. Trying to keep germs out (and explaining this to family and friends every time they wanted to visit – another blog on that fun topic later) felt like a full time job (or obsession if I’m honest with myself). Attending the countless follow-up appointments and assessments, and dealing with the disappointment that comes after learning that there are more consequences as a result of her extreme prematurity. During those first 6 months at home I felt more like her carer than her Mummy. We had a regimented schedule of countless medicines, physiotherapy exercises, appointments, taping (and re-taping) oxygen tubes and breathing monitors. I look back now to those early months and I wish I had ‘enjoyed her’ more, but I was so terrified she’d get sick again and I’d, once again, be whispering goodbye to her, that I never let my guard down.

Today, that thought is almost laughable, as I watch her eat some random piece of food she has found on the floor (probably from last night) while I’m writing this blog. How things have changed!

And now she’s 2… Just like that, she’s 2! And we survived and she thrived!

We slowly let the world in and allowed her to experience freedom, get dirty and exposed to germs and all the great stuff that comes with being a kid. I have had to learn to let go and the more I do, the more phenomenal her progress is. I’m in awe of her every day and all that she has achieved and how lucky I am to be her Mummy. I can’t wait for the day she tells me, “No, Mummy I can’t do that”. I will tell her, with great conviction, “Sweetheart, there’s nothing you can’t do.  I have seen you make miracles happen over and over again. You can do EVERYTHING!”

With love to all our premmie families, forever changed!

Alyssa

For my darling girls, all three of you!