PTSD is real: Bec & Oscar’s Story
PTSD is real! And it’s not something to be ashamed of! I had heard of it before but it was always in the context of soldiers who had gone to war so I assumed (silly me) that they were the only people to suffer from it. How wrong was I!?
In the days following Oscar’s birth I was in a ‘zombie-like’ state & just did what I had to do to get through. I had friends & family come to visit me in the hospital, I expressed a lot (every 2 hours) & I went & stared at Oscar’s tiny little body covered in wires, tubes & monitors as much as I could, but I honestly can not remember a thing. On the outside I put up a brave front & pretended like everything was ok, but on the inside I was going crazy & didn’t know what was happening around me. I am a person who is organised & likes to have control at all times. What had happened was so foreign to me & I wasn’t coping. Dr’s & nurses were using words that I didn’t know, alarms were beeping constantly & I had this tiny baby that I wasn’t allowed to hold – it was breaking my heart. The day I left the hospital without Oscar was one of the hardest days of my life. I was going home & was leaving my precious little bundle behind – I could not stop crying as I left the hospital & if it wasn’t for Dean (my husband) I don’t know how I would have done it. That night I went home & just cried & cried. I couldn’t stop thinking about Oscar & the ‘what ifs!?’ The worst case scenario kept playing in my mind over & over again. It was horrible.
Over the next 11 weeks that Oscar was in hospital I experienced a hundred different emotions – there were moments of joy, happiness & being super proud. But these were followed by feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger & the fear of the unknown. I remember feeling paralysed with worry every time my phone rang & it was a private number – this meant it was the hospital & I always expected the worst news (sometimes it was just to tell me Oscar had moved cot spaces & other times it was to tell me that he was not in a good way). I remember my apprehension as I went up the lift to the nursery not knowing what I would be faced with. As I sat next to Oscar’s isolette with alarms constantly going off I would feel light headed & my throat would go dry as I struggled to breathe. I just couldn’t relax & was nervous & ‘on edge’ all the time.
After 77 days our dream came true & we were able to bring Oscar home. While I was over the moon with excitement I couldn’t help shake the feelings of doubt that I had about bringing him home. What if I couldn’t look after him? What if he didn’t like our house? What if something bad happened?
I’m not gonna lie! The 1st few weeks of having Oscar at home were hard work! We had gone from a sterile, highly monitored environment with monitors & people that knew what they were doing to our house – where all we had was a baby monitor & the 1st aid course knowledge I had received from doing a course for work. I was petrified of Oscar going to sleep while no-one was watching him (what if he stopped breathing & we didn’t know)!? I was paranoid about germs & people visiting. I was scared about everything. I didn’t sleep because I religiously watched his chest go up & down & I was exhausted. We had a few scares in those early weeks & ended up back in emergency once as well as a few trips to his neonate. Oscar had started choking on his milk to the point that at times he would turn blue. It would also happen randomly so this made me even more anxious than ever before & I never let him out of my sight – obviously this was taking its toll on me & soon Dean & I would take it in shifts to watch Oscar 24/7. My mind raced constantly & I could never switch off. It was draining, really draining.
It was really hard to talk to anyone about how I was feeling as I thought no-one would understand & that I would be judged. I think my biggest fear was that I was petrified they would take Oscar away from me. Anyway Dean told me I needed to talk to someone & after a visit from the CAFHS nurse she suggested I go to my GP & speak to her about some of the struggles I was having. My GP put me on a mental health plan & I was referred to a psychologist. At this point I was still in denial & didn’t think I needed to talk to anyone. I thought it would just take some time & then everything would go back to normal. I was wrong! I eventually organised a time to see the psychologist & after that first meeting felt some relief – why hadn’t I done this earlier!? I think I cried through our whole first session but felt so much better after talking to someone that wasn’t going to judge me. After a few sessions she talked me through the trauma I had gone through & explained PTSD. She had hit the nail on head – this was exactly what I was experiencing. The memories of those early days brought back so many emotions. I couldn’t even look at photos of Oscar when he was born because I would just cry. The slightest little fever would send me into a panic & I would fear that I would lose Oscar so we would pack everything up & go to the hospital. My psychologist has given me techniques to help with my anxiety & I now like to think I am able to be rational about things most of the time. She has helped me a lot & I continue to see her now that we are expecting bub #2.
After hiding my PTSD & seeing a psychologist for a long time I have now decided to talk about it. There is a lot of stigma around mental health & it is a lot more common than we think. I didn’t know what people would think – my friends & family – but I have received a lot of support. There are always some people who don’t understand but I know that what I’ve been through has made me a stronger person. I haven’t shared my story in the hope that people feel sorry for me. I hope that by sharing my story other people (in particular Premmie Mums who go through so much) are able to recognise the signs of PTSD & talk to someone about how they feel. PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a real issue that affects real people.
Written by Bec, an All About Prems member
