The Christmas Blues

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Well, maybe not for all of us. 

It has been two and a half years now since the premature birth of my twin girls and I still seem to struggle with big events and milestones, like Christmas. I struggle because one of my girls will never be with us again and that will forever be an absence that I will never fully reconcile. One of the most difficult things about losing a child, for me anyway, is trying to keep her memory alive beyond myself. As time passes, fewer and fewer people mention her and even acknowledge that she was here. I think for many people they just don’t know what to say or when to say something – so they remain quiet and eventually not saying anything is the habit that is formed. It’s something I need to work on as the years go on.

But it’s not just ~Charlotte’s~ absence that makes days like Christmas tough. Since having the girls all big family and social events overwhelm me. I’m not entirely sure exactly why but I certainly know my anxiety increases in the lead up to events and I feel it takes all my strength to try put on a happy face (unsuccessfully I’m sure) on the day. If I really think about it I’m sure it has something to do with my PTSD and events like Christmas are now a bit of a trigger for me.

Christmas for me as a child was a magical time, I’ve loved this time of year all my life and I certainly want my own children to experience the joy of Christmas like I did, so I feel incredibly guilty that I’m feeling like this. I’m hoping that as the years pass I will get better at dealing with “it all” as it would break my heart if Christmas wasn’t a special and memorable time for my girls.

I still find it surprising how deep and wide-spread the effects of having premature babies have had on me. Prior to all this I would never have thought I would have been so affected and for so long. I have dealt with adversity in my life before but nothing has had the impact that this has had. I have come to accept that it has changed me, for better and for worse and that I am still learning ways to deal with it every day. Before all this I was a straight-thinking, rational, extroverted human who took pride in not playing the “victim card” and possessing a strong ability to deal with challenges and difficulties. But now situations that overwhelm me can undo me and, at times, all I want to do is run away and hide from it all. 

I have much to be thankful for, I know that. I have two beautiful healthy little girls, a wonderful husband and friends who put up with me. I know that many of you are travelling much more difficult pathways than mine and my heart goes out to you. 

I suppose, for me, the realisation that the impact of having a premature baby continues well beyond those NICU walls and affects aspects of my life I would never have imagined has been difficult for me to accept. I hope in time it becomes a part of me that I’m proud of and that my girls see strength in their Mummy not sadness and sorrow. I think of it as a journey not a destination and that every step forward is a positive one and that soon enough I’ll once again be looking forward to celebrating these big events, like Christmas, with my beautiful little family!

Here’s hoping 2019 is onwards and upwards for us all, from mine to yours a very Happy New Year!